....I'm a freak magnet.
I want to pause with my usual posting for a little bit and fill you in on my current dating life.
Some would call it non-existent, others would call it pathetic...I just call it the usual.
I desperately need some normalcy in my life. These stories may or may not be totally true. Maybe there are some fabrications for the fun of it, maybe not...guess you'll never know. Either way, sit back and read.
Let me preface this by saying that I in no way find myself "a catch" and am appalled that even 2 guys have hit on me...but I find the stories so incredibly embarrassing that I must share. Guys hitting on me doesn't happen as often as you'd think (I know, I know, hold in your gasps...psh jokes), so when it does (and when the stories are this good), I just had to write it down.
Hmmm, let's start out with the 2 random (and I mean random in every.single.sense. of the word) guys that have hit on me in the past month. And yes, only two, I realize how big of a loser I am now that I type this. But whatever.
Guy #1: This is the scene...(some of you have heard this story already) Wal-Mart at 11pm in Greenwood. I should've known better to go this late, because that's when the freaks come out in my hometown. And I say freaks with the kindest of intentions. There I was, stocking up for the beach with suntan lotion, a new beach towel, some aloe vera (because we all know I turn into a lobster on a regular basis), and other random items.
I stand in the checkout line...it's slow, as they always are in the Greenwood Wal-Mart, and all of the sudden I hear heavy breathing behind me. You know how you can just tell when someone is staring at you? Well, I could feel it...and let's just say he wasn't staring at the back of my head.
Next, I hear (through heavy panting), "Looks like you're going on a vacation." I say, "Yeah, I am" and quickly turn back around to pay, trying to avoid looking at the creature behind me all the while. "You'll probably need someone to rub that there lotion on your pretty legs," says my admirer... And I, in utter shock, turn to look at this guy and get this---he has on a wife beater (complete with a beer belly), Miller Lite pajama pants, and Crocs... and was buying a case of Coronas and a pack of cannolis. Wait, what? Is this real life? Who buys Coronas and cannolis together? Maybe I'm the only one who finds that incredibly odd, but nevertheless, I was completely freaked out from the entire package, not just his purchases.
I don't even think I grabbed my change from the world's slowest cashier before I took off out the door. I'm also pretty positive I left "that there lotion" sitting in a bag at the end of the checkout. Souvenir for creeper guy, I suppose.
Guy #2: I go to dinner with one of my friends the other night at a new restaurant that neither one of us has ever been to. It's set up so there are only booths around the whole restaurant, so it's kind of private. Well, we sit down, and I notice this guy (maybe the manager? not sure) that was clearly not a waiter walking around. We made the awkward eye contact and then he proceeded to walk smack into a waitress. It was quite enjoyable to watch. Over the next hour, hour and a half we were in there, if he walked by our table once, he walked by 45 times. No exaggeration. He refilled my water glass a total of 9 times, even when it wasn't empty. By the end of the meal, I seriously thought my bladder was going to explode from the amount of water I had consumed to keep up with water boy's pouring speed.
So the end of the meal comes (and I've had more water than actual food for my meal) and of course, he brings our checks, instead of our waitress. We pay, and wait for our debit cards to come back...and he walks by 4 more times. At this point he's given up on the subtle "glance over" tactic and is now just flat out staring...
I get my receipt back from our waitress and there's a phone number and a smiley face next to it....I assume it's from water boy, but there was no name, no nothing with it. Okay ladies, seriously? I should've prefaced this story with how not attracted I was towards him. He wasn't ugly, just not my type at all...so really, if you leave your number with no indication of who it's from, I'm not going to call you. I mean it could've been from my waitress or the cook for all I know. Creepy.
As if this isn't enough, two of my exes have come out of the woodwork lately... One has a girlfriend, the other may or may not be married with a child. But they insist on texting me and acting like everything is just peachy between us. I just don't get it. And they don't seem to understand the phrases I keep bringing up to be awkward... "How's your girlfriend?" "So is your baby walking yet?" and so forth... They just ignore the comments and keep chatting.
Come on.
Where are all the normal guys? Where is my Prince Charming? I really feel like I'm wearing a sign that says, "Please all unattractive, married, taken, creepy, and/or freakish guys...come hit on ME!" I'm praying that along with a new job and a new city come new, normal guys. Bring 'em on, Lord. I think God is just showing me what crazy, freakish, stalker guys all is out there, so when He finally gives me Mr. Right, I'll know how to be grateful for him.
Remembering Baby Cohen
