I finally had the inspiration today to write the blog post that I've been dreading writing. This little corner of the Internet is my outlet...it's where I share my joys, my memories, my triumphs, my failures, and my emotions.
It's where I'm real. It's where I'm honest. It's where I'm me.
And I knew that eventually I'd have to hit on this topic, because in order for me to actually do something about it, I need to admit it first. And who better to admit it to? You've all been my encouragement through this whole journey. Yep...the weight loss journey. So here I am, no excuses, no hiding it anymore...being raw, honest, real.
I'm almost to my 16th month since beginning this crazy ride, and I've lost motivation. It didn't happen yesterday, it didn't happen last week...it happened a few months ago. And I've let my big move, my new job, and other stupid excuses be my reasoning for taking a break from the diet/gym. And today--I'm admitting that's not okay.
At my smallest, I had lost 82 lbs. That's a whole elementary sized kid. And I was so proud of myself...I felt like a different person. I was a different person.
Let's take a stroll down memory lane for a reminder of the "before" picture (and this is a rather flattering before picture, if I'm being honest)...
And this was me at my smallest...back in March. My waist has never been that small.
And this is me now. Approximately 25 lbs heavier than my goal/smallest weight. And a good size, if not two sizes, bigger.
I know it's not a huge, drastic, oh-my-gosh-she-gained-all-of-her-weight-back change, but I feel it. I see it when I look in the mirror. I feel it when I'm trying on my size 8 jeans that fit not even 4 months ago...and I felt it yesterday when my beautiful new Citizens of Humanity jeans came in the mail and they barely buttoned over my growing backside. Yikes.
Where did my motivation go? What happened to that girl that loved feeling the burn after a work out and loved seeing those numbers fall of on the scale? How did I let myself get back into my old habits and my old ways?
I've been back in Oxford for almost 2 months, and I joined a gym about a month after moving back. You know how many times I've been to said gym? Twice. In a whole month. Who am I? And where is Jillian Michaels when I need her?
The moral of this story is this...I needed to get this out there. I needed to admit how far I've fallen off the wagon in order to pick up the pieces and start going again. I just got burnt out. It's hard to monitor every bite that goes into your mouth. It's hard to make myself go to the gym after working 13 hours straight. But it's so worth it. Y'all--I'm fighting back tears right now because I always said my biggest fear was gaining back to the size where I started...and I'm well on my way if I don't do something about it now. Today. No more excuses, Rachel. Yeah, I know that 25 lbs isn't a huge deal in comparison to how much I've lost in the past...but I had a fire in me then. And I don't know where it's gone now, but I'm determined to find it.
Friends...encourage me. I read so many of your fabulous, wonderful blogs where y'all are triumphing through diet and weight loss and I am overjoyed for you. What works for you? What motivates you to get off the couch and run when you have barely sat down all day? What pushes you those extra minutes on the treadmill? Any suggestions on healthy recipes to jumpstart my diet? Help a sister out. I know y'all have tricks up your sleeves, so share away!
I know on the inside I'm not who I was back then, and I'm not going to let myself revert back to that insecure girl. Today is a new day, and I'm going to keep reminding myself of that. One day at a time, Rachel. I can do this.